streams and rivers and oceans of thought

i love rainbows and purple smoke and music and starry days and pictures of telephones and whispers in the tunnels of the mind.
i hate the color red and my mind becoming a pine cone in the night when thieves give me anger and i give them shore leave.
i wear superman in my head and fly in the green sky and land on a thimble inside of a blade of grass.
i eat cupcakes make of pink wax and play with plastic rainbows and vinyl human beings.
the blue hat is going to kill me
this is my last will and testament.

i apoligize for my ridiculous chain-blogging

but i think im beginning to grasp it. im beginning to see the very vague pencil line of the way it is. ok, heres a deal: if i have nay other revelations tonight,i wont make a new post, i will just edit this one. ok? heres a quote that i think really is perfect and says it all.

Harper: "In your experience of the world. . .how do people change?"

Mormon Mother: "Well it has something to do with God, so it's not very nice. God splits the skin with a jagged thumbnail from throat to belly and then plunges a huge filthy hand in; he grabs hold of your bloody tubes and they slip to evade his grasp but he squeezes hard, he insists, he pulls and pulls till all your innards are yanked out and the pain! We can't even talk about that. And then he stuffs them back, dirty, tangled and torn. It's up to you to do the stitching."

Harper: "And then up you get. And walk around."

Mormon Mother: "Just mangled guts, pretending; that's how people change."

sometimes i think adolescence is just one big bad trip.

that sentence occurred to me out of the blue a few seconds ago.
its really true. its like, you are confused and upset and distraught, and then theres no one you can turn to because when you turn to grups for help, they say really stupid things like, "its because you're (lets say) sixteen." and that makes you think, well sure, im sixteen, but i am also an individual and i would like to be comforted and understood, please. and then there are these awful mood swings that make you want to either cry hysterically for stupid reasons, or make you really really really hyper and happy, and then grups say stuff like "stop trying to get attention, i have a lot to do." and then you get a bad mood swing because of it. its really really frustrating, because you KNOW that the stuff youre thinking and feeling is crazy, but you cant change it. its like being insane. it IS being insane, really. adolescence is a form of insanity. lalala

my least favorite thing in the world.

and i mean that literally. this is the thing that makes me feel worse than anything else.
when i say something or do something that people interpret in a way that is insulting or nasty, so they thing im being mean, and then they get hurt or shocked. and i never MEAN it to be that way, but it turns out that way and then for hours afterward i repeat the situation over and over in my head until i want to kill myself. not literally, of course, but i feel really really bad about myself and then i feel rotten for a very very long time. does that ever happen to you?

the instrumental solo in come together written in letters

theres some bwee bwuh bweayoo bwee going on, played on something not quite a guitar, then at the same time theres a much heavier
duh duh deh duh duh deh deh duh on a regular electric guitar, with a much more generic rock and roll sound.
then, theres also a guy doing percussion with-no joke-his breath. and it sounds like
hhhuh hoohh huhh hoohh huhh hoohh.
and if i knew anything about music, i could tell you the difference in beats, but i don't. sorry.

REVELATIONREVOLUTIONEVOLUTION

i was cleaning through my desk and i found this.

[BEGINNING] well, it finally happened. the revolution everyone'd been talking about finally came. all around the world, people overthrew their governments and painted the streets pink and purple and green. they planted flowers in bathtubs. they screamed and cried and made love and sang and laughed. everyone promised that this was it, this was the dawn of a new age. january 10th, 1968. we ended all the wars and we embraced each other as sisters and brothers. the grups went and hid in their little houses and prayed. when you went outside, which of course you did, everyone was laughing and dancing and embracing. the first thing that they did was rip up all the concrete in the streets and cover it with soft dirt and plant grass. they painted every building in the city till they all looked like gaudy christmas presents. they were really like children, the way they did things. but everyone was so excited that no one cared a bit. the city was like a garden, and we were like flowers and children and flower children. it was beautiful. but by the time the month ended, some people started to wish for parts of the old world back (it was january, after all), and baths, and three meals a day, and toilets, heaters, medicine- well, people realized that maybe this wasn't such a hot idea after all. but what could they do? it wasn't like they could just protest the way they used to-with no one in charge and all, and it wasn't like they could just pay for a false escape the way they used to- the revolution had done away with money. so, gradually, they drifted into the empty candy-colored apartments to eat rats. [END]

isn't that just lovely?

more on the apocalypse

a couple of months ago, i was talking with my mom about how this era that we're in is like the 60's. one reason i said was that we, in this era, are waiting for the apocalypse from global warming, etc and they in that era were waiting for the apocalypse from the nuke. and the war. then my mom said something very interesting. she said "well, yeah. but people have always waited for the apocalypse. i mean, the fall of the roman empire, the civil war, they thought that was the apocalypse, the depression, they thought that was the apocalypse, the hole in the ozone, AIDS, all that stuff." so that made me think.
we always assume that the latest disaster is going to end the world, when really its only going to end the world as we know it. we can't really end the world, we can only change it. the human race will keep battering on into the abyss, because really there is no end. this is both good news and bad news, i think.

In the new century, I think we will all be insane.

the answer to everyone's problems, all of the pain in the world and the path to englightenment. in other words, the answer.

hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate
hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate
hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate
hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate
hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate
hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatelovehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate
hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate
hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate
hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate

the perfect little town

once upon a time, there was a town called Love. Love wasn't really a town, but rather five square blocks in a big city. all of the people in the town were very young. most of them had run away from their homes in search of something better. well, they got it. in Love, everyone made things themselves. there were no walmarts anywhere. people harvested their own food, grew cotton and hemp and made clothes, collected water from the magic river and boiled it. they found clay in the river and made pottery. there was no money in Love. people made things because they loved making them and gave them away because they loved each other. they made music together and it was the music of the people, of everyone, of Love. every week, all of the citizens of Love (or Lovers, as they were called) held a meeting and settled disputes, made sure everyone was getting what they wanted, and that kind of thing. the people of Love were completely happy, except for one thing: many of them were being killed. every day men in blue came and beat the Lovers and killed them. everyone in Love had a clay whistle around his or her neck, so that if they were being hurt, other people could come and help them. this system worked well, for a while. the problem was that Love had no power, as it rejected politics and money. that meant that the man could do anything they liked to them. the other problem was that the Lovers didn't lead safe lives, and many of them killed themselves recklessly, or died of a horrible virus. sooner or later, the Lovers were all killed. the town lasted no more than 30 years. today, nothing remains of them today but some cool shops and beautiful graffiti, and a sad little memory of a place now known as san fransisco.

makeover

sometimes a change of appearance can be refreshing.
the header image is from http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2330/2416100250_aa478b3496.jpg
i just googled "empty stage"

found this on the internet (there is hope!)

Roy and Silo are hardly unusual. Milou and Squawk, two young males, are also beginning to exhibit courtship behavior, hanging out with each other, billing and bowing. Before them, the Central Park Zoo had Georgey and Mickey, two female Gentoo penguins who tried to incubate eggs together. And Wendell and Cass, a devoted male African penguin pair, live at the New York Aquarium in Coney Island. Indeed, scientists have found homosexual behavior throughout the animal world.

sadness is real, and i will face it.

remember my post on emotions? well, lola commented and said "sadness is nameable, but too terrible to say. That is why it often remains nameless." so, i am taking harvey milk's advice and putting it out there, so i can see it every day. so its there. when it stays in the drawer, it just gets bigger and scarier. here is sadness:

sadness is rain. not the happy spring rain that you dance in naked and scream, but the lonely rain. trench coat rain, and wet plastic bags. sadness is being alone and not sure what's real and what's not. sadness is having no frame of reference, no clear directions. sadness is a clown sitting on the edge of a dock, wishing he were dead. sadness is very random, very useless. uselessness is sadness, and sadness is useless. what i meant when i said that i didnt know what sadness was was that i didn't know what causes it. and i still don't. it's impossible to understand.

the problem

the problem with thought and life and EVERYTHING is that there is too much. we're like a million strands of dental floss, all different colors-and not even colors that look good together, just a giant, scary knot of color orbiting the sun. thats what this little blue planet is, a knot of tangled floss. we can't even begin to understand things, because there's just too much. there is absolutely no order in the world. we can say whatever we want, do whatever we want, feel whatever we want, think whatever we want, but it wont change a f***ing thing. we are trapped in the order-less system, that no one likes and everyone supports, a million tiny systems revolving around each other and destroying and rebuilding. the universe is frighteningly capitalist. we always think that the world is ending, but its just ending as we know it. there is no simple answer. there are billions of them. that is why everything is useless, but everything is necessary.

computers

i think that the reason that computers will never match up to humans is that they are logical. they are so logical that they can't understand illogical things, like those robots in star trek. and, like those robots in star trek, they malfunction when they are told to process something illogical. and most everything is illogical. everything real. computers can only deal with imaginary mathematical things. take, for example, this computer i'm typing on right now. it knows all of the letters i am typing, and it knows if i am spelling the words correctly. it even knows the definitions of the words. however, what it doesn't understand is what the words mean. it doesn't care, thats the problem. computers don't care, and therefore they cannot understand the illogical. they are not involved, they only know. life is one of those things that you have to be a part of to understand.

i happen to like new york

here is a nice little theory i came up with:
if there were a heaven, it would have the architecture of sf, the food of paris, the temperature of lala, harlem renaissance clubs, parties like new orleans, fashion like tokyo, and people like everywhere.
when i think about it, maybe there was a heaven at some point, and it fell out of the sky and all these different elements got spread to cities all over the world. maybe the only way to get to heaven nowadays is to travel.

i've nothing to say Well nothing that's never been said before But said by you, George.

one day looice was walking along the beach when he met up with a penguin a baby duck a squirrel on a roller skate an three birds of the same feather how have you been said the penguin oh i have been fine said looice and where have you been you know i ain't seen you for the longest time i've been here and i've been dere said looice been here and been dere said the penguin what is this ben dere that's easy enough to 'splain said looice well i wish you would said the penguin let's say you want to go to a place want to go to a place said the penguin let's say you want to get to a place get to a place said the penguin say you go to this place go to this place said the penguin say you get to this place get to this place said the penguin why then you've been dere then what is is the was of what shall be said the penguin what is is the was of what shall be said looice is that a question or an answer penguin are those your shoes or your socks said the penguin i can't help you if you won't help me said looice how looice you know nobody can help you said the penguin first there is this been dere and i don't know what that is could you please explain it to me why sure said looice it's easy enough to explain well i wish you would said the penguin let's say you want to get to a place get to a place sad the penguin say you go to this place go to this place said the penguin say you get to this place get to this place said the penguin why then you've been dere said looice i'm sorry i'm still confused said the penguin and you said that there was no help for me said looice that don't answer the question said the penguin i mean how do i know for sure for 100% for sure that i have been dere you mean absolutely with no doubt or correction in your mind without any individual type fixing or adding any other thing to dere it said looice i think that's what i mean said penguin well listen close because i am going to 'splain it one more time let's say you want to go to a place go to a place said the penguin say you go to this place go to this place said the penguin say you get to this place get to this place said the penguin and you notice your footprints is facing the other way why then you've been said looice get back said the penguin first we got to go said looice one day looice was walking along the beach...


-Looice by Benjamin and Pot

emotions

i know exactly what happiness is. its the feeling of summer, of leaves and song and bare feet and the park and climbing trees and laughing with strangers and listening to a man with a guitar in the subway. its the smell of the humid new york summers, the feel of a playground sprinkler on your hot back, the thrill of playing a pretend game with your friends, the sweet and tart taste of lemon-lime icees. the problem is, i cant figure out what sadness is. maybe thats why sadness scares me so much.

the nature of the universe is a starship approximately 50 meters long and 30 meters wide.

this world has no order. no order whatsoever. one cannot explain it because its like a patchwork quilt of things that make no sense out of context. for example: out of context, the idea that having a black president is amazing makes no sense. if we didnt have the patchwork squares of race, racism, government, america, and the civil rights movement. if we lived on mars, we wouldnt understand that having a black president is amazing, because its make up of ideas which are made up of ideas which are make up of ideas, etc. where did the origin come from? perhaps we will never know.

education

education is taking young people and forcing them to learn things that theyre NOT interested in and will most likely NEVER use, and making them feel bad about not being interested in them.

*sigh*. i got a 79% on a math test today.

pictures!! 2

isnt it crazy that i had so many pics im using up 3 BLOG POSTS!? and these are only the good ones!!

pictures!!

ok, so heres the thing:
i collect pictures. i hoard them like a rat. but ive decided that its making my computer slow, so im gonna post the good ones here, so that ill never lose them, and then throw the rest away. k?

i am blogging from the midtown apple store

pictures of marilyn monroe and audrey hepburn are always nice to see.